I will be the one who got lucky…





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I will be the one who got lucky.

My fiends did not leave me (no friends equals no problems), I wasn’t bullied at school (there were not that many aggressive idiots in the grammar school I went to), I wasn’t kicked out of the house.

There was just this one huge ‘but’.
I have a female friend, if you can call her that. I have loved her for all my conscious life. But she does not.

I am 19 now. We are currently doing some maintenance work in the flat we are going to live in. And you know, nothing has changed. I love her all the same, and, all the same again, she doesn’t love me.

When I was 14-17 I tried to snap out of it – took up some creative projects, studies and work. I passed all my exams and got excellent marks, got to a physics and maths course at uni, on a budget place, did music, art and creative writing…It all ended up in a nervous breakdown, a hospital and 6 months of rehabilitation. It changed nothing.

There was a time when she was studying in a different city, so we weren’t even seeing each other and weren’t in touch for half a year. That did not change anything either.

My parents know. They’ve already gave up on me, as I have a younger sister, who meets their expectations. It was way easier to live though drunken swearing of parents, death of relatives, weeks in hospitals than to hear a single word of criticism from Her.

And I…I am tired.

I am simply tired. I’ve no idea how to keep living. I am afraid to think of a time when she meets a person she would want to start a family with.

During all this time my health has disintegrated to a total null. My old problems with the immune system have come back, I am on the register and I regularly go and do HIV blood tests. I have been diagnosed with labile personality disorder. Any rapid change of emotions start jumps in my temperature and pressure, psychosomatic headaches, faintings and all the other unpleasant things. I have been solidly on antidepressants for a very long time.

So, what is all this whining for?

I am from a town which is more of a big village. For all my life I have wanted just one thing: to elementary be able to sit down and talk to somebody mature and clever, to ask what I should do and how to behave. Somebody who had a similar experience, but that is on the borderline of science fiction.

There is information in the internet, of course, but one still feels lonely. Because all those thingies like LGBT-organisations, Lena Kostuchenko and Igor Yasin (LGBT-activists – translator) – they are all, dammit, in Moscow and Piter (Saint Petersburg – translator), and you are on your own in the Siberian ass of the world. And absolutely seriously, it is minus forty outside and bears walk around in 60 kilometres from the city. You can’t find a single adequate psyhologist here, let alone a gay club.

So this is it. What sort of propaganda do they talk about, if the problem of isolation hasn’t been solved yet?



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