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I live in a small town. I hadn’t known what LGBT was before I turned 14. I gave my frist kiss to a girl. I just did what I wanted. I never thought if it is vile, or wrong, or what my orientation is…I didn’t even know what ‘bisexuality’ means. It might seem amusing to you – to know nothing about people with non-traditional orientation when you’re 14.
Then I fell in love for the first time. With a girl. Only then did I become interested in what my desire is: does it happen? I haven’t seen anything like it – and yes, I was a bit afraid. I couldn’t share it with my friends or parents, so just googled a really stupid thing: ‘Can a girl fall in love with a girl?’ That’s how I found out who LGBT people are, that my love is normal and that I am not ill. Since then I have considered myself a human being and not an ‘error’. I’m a normal teenager, a one like any other. It doesn’t matter that I love a girl.
At first I was really trusting and shared it with my female friends. I was very surprised that many turned away from me and one of them hunted me down after a music class and beat me up with the help of her buddies, shouting ‘Fucking pervert!’
I couldn’t understand anything, it was so painful and hurtful. What did I do wrong? Why was I beaten up? I found this random girl on the internet and told her everything. She supported me. She told me who homophobes are, that I need to be less naive and tell everyone about my orientation. Thank her for the advice, it’s been very helpful.
I’ve always been strong. They wanted to break me by their mockery, insults and pressure. There are still rumours going around my school, rumours that I am a lesbian – all because of my clothes style and short hair. Cowards can gossip behind my back but they wouldn’t say anything in my face. I am trying not to pay attention to them. Their opinion doesn’t matter to me.
The only thing I was afraid of was my mum finding out. So I decided to tell her myself. Despite my fears, she hugged me and said: ‘I don’t care what orientation you have or what you wear. You are my daughter and I love you the way you are. And you are wonderful’. That was the biggest joy of my life, I think.
So, children 404, those who do not exist, don’t be afraid. They are lying to you. You exist. Never listen to those who say that you are wrong or you are bad. How can your genuine feelings be wrong? They are you. They are your feelings, not somebody else’s. Never think that you are alone. There are a lot of kind people in the world, who will understand you and support you. Lets get through this together. Don’t be ashamed of yourself and don’t be afraid. Smile a bit more often, don’t be sad, trust your heart. I am with you.
А.
Children 404 